My husband is not my knight in shining armor – something I need to teach my daughter

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IMG_1294.jpgYHWhen you grow up and start looking for a husband you will be overwhelmed at how many guys there are in this world, and you may have to look for a long time before you find one. But none of this matters, because one day you will meet this young man who will sweep you off your feet as romantic music seems to play in the background. You will have the craziest butterflies in your stomach and the thought of him alone will make you feel like you’re soaring on a pink cloud of happiness. Likewise, he will be so taken with your beauty and will express this with tokens of everlasting love. He will be handsome beyond belief and he will be as if perfectly made for you. There will be no mistaking that you are meant to be.

Not!

I’m sorry girls, but that is just not how it is in the real world. It may seem that way when a happy couple tells ”their story” and it may even seem like that to you looking back after years of marriage, but it is usually not the case and is certainly not something to wait around for expectantly. The process of courtship involves hard work, sacrifice and definitely stepping out of ones comfort zone and takes a lot more than romantic coincidence. In the prospect of soon having to raise a daughter of my own I have picked out a few points that I want to make sure to teach her before she fluffs her pink pillows, takes out her notebook and leans back to watch the parade of eligible young men pass her by.

1. The Universe will not tell you who to marry
I remember the many afternoons I spent as a young girl daydreaming of my one true love that someday I would go and spend the rest of my life with. It wasn’t till after I got engaged to Marcus that I really understood that had I spent more time sniffing around I probably would have met many guys that, if diligently pursued, I could have ended up with. I realized just how much power there was in my decision to give my all to my relationship with Marcus and how much it was my choices that made us end up together. 
We may want to wait for that perfect scene where that song is playing and he says that line and you feel that way, but chances are you’re gonna wait for a very long time. 

2. Love is earned, it’s not for free
There is a big difference in having a crush, falling in love and finally loving someone. The sort of feelings I described in the scenario at the beginning of this post is what I would call a crush. It has no root and is based on first impressions, lines and outward appearance. And yes, a charming face can get you far, but probably not to the commitment of marriage. Looking back, I realize that I really had to allow myself to have deeper feelings for Marcus. I needed to not be afraid of commitment and I needed to be ready for the many changes in my life that might come with said commitment. Also, I needed to not allow myself to be distracted by or overly picky with his bad habits, weird ways or other small things that might not match the perfect Prince Charming picture in my mind. 
I am not personally a strong believer in love at first sight, but I do know people who are and who have great loving and strong relationships. However, love at first sight is nothing to expect and not something to turn down a guy in the absence of. IMG_2943

3. There’s a reason it’s called ”finding” a husband and not ”noticing” a husband
When Marcus and I first started dating neither of us were completely confident that it would work out between us – if anything I think I was more skeptical than he was. But I had beforehand noticed some of his qualities and goals in life… and the way he spoke about his future family caught my attention and I knew that it might be a while before I found another guy like this. So I decided to pursue this relationship 100%, give it all I had until I would be able to distinguish whether or not to potentially turn it into a marriage.
What I’m saying is that choosing a husband is not just choosing a boyfriend. You need more to go by than a crush and a blush. It’s really about stepping out of your comfort zone and working your way towards the goal. 

4. It takes hard work and time to become perfect for each other
Like I said, I was not exactly swept off my feet when I started dating my husband. One of my top priority criteria for my future husband was that he could make me laugh my head off. To my great worry and disappointment, during our first months of dating, I felt like Marcus and I had such different senses of humor – because we didn’t know each other that well yet! I wish I could go back in time and grab my past self’s shoulders and tell myself to get a grip and that marriage would bring some of my best laugh attacks and most hilarious inside jokes. 
No two people mysteriously walk up to each other and instantaneously understand each other’s deepest concerns, thoughts, wishes and humor. Two best friends only become best friends after spending much time and tribulation together. Soulmates are no different. 

Having said that, all morning I have received cute pink’ish messages from my husband saying things like “I just can’t wait to come home to you” and “You really are my best friend”. Marriage is awesome, but don’t expect that you can have feelings from day one that belong in a marriage or long relationship and that couples have spent months and years achieving.

My husband is not my knight in shining armor, but he has become my soulmate.

myhusbandisnotmyknightinshiningarmor

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